


Starlight

by RiverRhyme



Category: Love Live! School Idol Festival (Video Game), Love Live! School Idol Project
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, F/F, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-15
Updated: 2018-08-15
Packaged: 2019-06-28 01:27:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15697344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RiverRhyme/pseuds/RiverRhyme
Summary: In these moments, when the sun begins to dip below the distant horizon, and the stars, one by one, begin to light up the sky, Eli can't help but feel there's something more – something that she's missing.But what is it?





	Starlight

_I don't know what to say_

_  
_ _But I'm going to want you till the stars evaporate_

 _  
_ _We're only here for just a moment in the light_

 _  
_ _One day it shines for us the next we're in the night_

 _  
_ _So say the word and I'll be running back to find you_

 _  
_ _A thousand armies won't stop me – I'll break through_

  
_I'll soar the endless skies for only one sight_ _  
_ of your starlight

 

~ _Stardust, Starset_

\-----------

 

I've never been superstitious, or believed in spirits. The Ayases have always believed that science was the string that tied everything together – kept the world spinning.  
  
But in these moments, when the sun begins to dip below the distant horizon, and the stars, one by one, begin to light up the sky, I can't help but feel there's something more – something that I'm missing.  
  
But what is it?  
  
\-----  
  
I don't know when the dreams of you began. Was there even a first? I don't know. Perhaps it had been going on long before I even noticed.  
  
Foggy images, almost like flashbacks, of an indefinable person. Who were they? Soon, the resolution began to to sharpen; figures made clearer. But still, their identity remained elusive. Was it a man? A woman? Was it even human? Who were you?  
  
All I know, is that a warmth overtook me when I saw it, like snuggling up with a blanket. My troubles seemed so far away, forgotten even, when my mind was filled with these pictures. It would numb my body, free my soul and sooth my mind. It was addictive. You were addictive.  
  
School began to take less and less precedence in my life, odd, considering my straight A record, which I held proudly. But these highs, these moments of familiar warmth that I felt from time to time. They became my everything.  
  
Soon, the people around me, the sea of faces which I dove into everyday at Otonokizaka High School, began to blur. Classmates, teachers, they all slowly slipped into nothingness. Friendships were things which I treasured, so no one noticed my distancing. The attention I garnered from under and upperclassmen alike for my European looks was of no interest to me. I was simply here to learn. Friends were meaningless. All I wanted was my fix. I didn't even know what it was. But I lived for it. For you.  
  
My third year of highschool. That was when the wheel of fate was set into motion.  
  
I can recall, with great detail, the pivotal moment of my being. Election day had just passed. I had successfully been voted in to the role of Student Council President. I would like to think that my no nonsense, bullish attitude was what got me elected. But let us be straight. My looks, which were quite good if I am to judge by the number of love letters I received in my first year, were probably more of a factor. People can be so vain, can't they?  
  
The role meant little more to me than what it was; a title. I had some new responsibilities, sure. But I was paraded around like a goddamn celebrity. I didn't want this praise or attention. But I bore it.  
  
You came about just after this. Set in motion by a stubborn ginger girl, a name I don't even remember. If I recall correctly, she wanted to open a new club. She would prove an aggravating thorn in my side. Yet somehow, that feeling was strangely familiar.  
  
Being that only two other people wanted to join her foolish club, she was declined. A persistent one, however, she was. She fought, tooth and nail to get her silly club approved. Naturally, being the rule-abiding student council I was, I kept declining.  
  
However, all of that changed on a dime; one you set into motion.  
  
My dreams were suddenly filled with images of you. But this time, the fog had lifted. But only barely.  
  
Long purple hair. Kind, plump lips. Mischievous, yet Caring eyes. My first real glimpse of you.  
  
Nothing was said. All you have was a small nod. My dreams were torn frome, and I awoke from my sleep in a cold sweat. The pale moon bathed my room in an eerie light. The other other source of light was artificial. My phone.  
  
I remember the room began to spin as I reached my hand our for the device. My addled mind was struggling to comprehend what I had just seen. Had I seen it? Who was that person?  
  
The screen came into view.  
  
One new message. From the redhead, asking for the ump-teenth time to form a club.  
  
Your face suddenly flashed into view as you have a slight nod. Was that from my dream?  
  
My body overtook my mind, fingers dancing against my phone as I typed my reply against my own will.  
  
The phone slipped out of my grasp when the send button was pressed. My hands began to shake uncontrollably. A wet streak against my cheek. A tremulous finger felt below my eye. Tears.  
  
The dam that held back emotions burst forth like a raging torrent, carving a path of destruction through my mental psyche. Bitter waterfalls fell from my eyes as images of you flashed back into view.  
  
Why was I crying? Who were you?  
  
The only thing I knew for certain, though the mist of swirling questions, was that I longed for something. I longed for your familiar warmth.  
  
But how could it be familiar, when I didn't even know who you were?  
  
The redhead's club grew slightly, adopting a couple of new members. Every time I saw them, I was reminded of you.  
  
Desperation set in when your face began to fade away. It had been weeks since I had last seen you. I needed another high. It would come about during a concert.  
  
It was an idol group they had tried to form. They had minor success, nothing noteworthy. But seeing them perform was... Strange. Like I knew each step, each move, each minute detail about their performance. They sang songs I had only heard in my dreams. I had always assumed those songs were ones my mother had sang to me while a baby. How did they know them?  
  
They had tried to hold a school concert. A minimal number of people had bothered to show up. I wish I could say that I was only there to fulfil my role as Student Council Head, but if I was to be honest with myself, it was because of you, that I attended. I hoped that these mysterious girls, whom I felt so strange around, could provide me with an I sight, even a mere glimpse, into what was going on. Why I recognised them. Who you were.  
  
The lights fell, and a spotlight illuminated the center of the stage. Each girl broke into song, singing various line from their song. It was good, I'll grant that. But something was missing.  
  
There.  
  
That line. That line didn't fit. The girl who sang it sounded nothing like the song should.  
  
The song? What even was the song? How did I know the song? How would I know something was missing?  
  
_Nozomi_.  
  
Your name.  
  
I clutched my head as a knife tore apart my cranium. My ears rang, dulling the sound of music. My heart began to beat uncontrollably fast, like it would burst from my chest. The world around me began to swirl.  
  
When I came to, I was greeted by white tile and the invasively vile smell of disinfectant. Hospital.  
  
_Nozomi_  
  
Finally. I had a name. And with that name, memories slowly began to piece themselves together. Some still remained foggy, but more and more, they sharpened.  
  
Images of you sitting opposite me, smiling. Crying. Laughing. A faint taste of parfaits danced across my tongue. I wonder why? Perhaps, that too, would come later.  
  
I'd like to be able to say that I handled these newfound memories well. But I would be lying to you.  
  
I became obsessed.  
  
Hours, days, weeks, were all poured into locating you, the mirage I saw in my dreams, but could never quite reach. I didn't know what these memories were. Were they from this life?  
  
The more I searched for you, the more lost I became. You didn't exist. Within a month, I had went through every single resident of Japan, all one hundred million of them. Like I said, obsessed. Sleepless night were spent searching. I thought perhaps you had changed your name or dyed you hair. Yet no one came up. No one had your eyes. No one had your smile.  
  
I was left to ponder who you were. A spirit? An angel? Demon?  
  
A strange series of events had me venture up to the roof of my school. I hadn't been up there since I was a first year, so my surroundings were unfamiliar.  
  
Wait. Were they?  
  
_Muse_.  
  
I suppose I'll skip the details, as I fear I may end up repeating myself. Needless to say, my parents may be out a small fortune, due to medical service prices.  
  
_Muse_.  
  
With this new word, a strange word it was, came more memories. A clubroom. Sweat. Tears. Joy.  
  
Victory.  
  
I kept my distance from the newly formed idol group. They had a strange name, one I didn't recognise. I watched them from afar, attempting to gain whatever information I could about them. They all seemed to familiar.  
  
It took me weeks to well up the courage to visit them. What a coward I was.  
  
With a gentle rap on the door, I twisted the handle.  
  
A wall of heat rushed out to greet me, the air mixed with a sickly sweet smell, one that assaulted the senses. It felt so familiar.  
  
I gazed around the room, taking in every crevice. All the member sat in seats around a table in the middle of the room. It all felt so famil-  
  
Wait.  
  
Empty chairs. Two to be exact.  
  
Your voice. The first time I ever heard your voice. My breaths drew shallow as my face paled. All seven girls looked at me with fear in their eyes. Their states bore holes in my being. My voice caught in my throat as I tried to croak out a greeting. Nothing came. I panicked.  
  
I ran.

 

_You know them._

Run.  
  
_They are your friends_  
  
No. Something is missing.  
  
_Don't depend on me._  
  
As I raced down towards the school gates, my legs gave out. I crashed to the ground, bones crunching with sickening snap. I howled in pain. Then blackness.  
  
Again, contribution towards my parents fundings of me in hospital. I almost knew this building better than my house at this stage.  
  
_Don't depend on me._  
  
Depend... On you? On Nozomi?  
  
_Nozomi_.  
  
That name. That name played on the top of my tongue, coming glibly, like I had said it a thousand times before. Like I loved the way it felt in my mouth. So warm. So familiar. I could say it for the rest of my life.  
  
I didn't quite understand who you were, or where you came from, but all I knew is that I wanted you. I wanted to see you, get to know you. Images and dreams soon zoomed out from your beautiful visage to show more. Sitting beside you in all of them was... Me. Ayase Eli.  
  
Sharing parfaits, performing /karaoke/, lounging around in pajamas. We were everywhere together. A familiar taste and feeling suffused through my lips. I raised my fingers to touch them.  
  
They tasted so good. Blueberries? Rosemary? I couldn't place it. But all I knew, is that it tasted like you.  
  
Obsession turned to rage.  
  
Why? Why was I feeling like this? Why couldn't I be with you? Why the fuck was this happening to me?  
  
My room lay in tatters, wallpaper torn from the walls amd pictures and mirrors shattered, glass littering the floor. Every day was spent in my room, staring at the empty white roof above me.  
  
I have no recollection of a night where no tears where bitterly shed. The fetal position seems to be my favourite position in bed.  
  
I know, it was a bad joke.  
  
Huh. Jokes. I never make jokes.  
  
More images. Smiling.  
  
Did I smile that much? It seems like I only smile when I'm around you.  
  
I realised. I can't be happy in life. Not without you.  
  
Isn't it called "DABDA", described as the five stages of death? Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, then acceptance? It seems I skipped bargaining, doesn't it?  
  
But depression – it definitely hit its mark. And, unfortunately, acceptance never rolled around.  
  
Life was meaningless. You were perfect in everyway, and happiness could only be achieved through you. I had given up on the hunt to find you. You weren't on this planet. But you should have been. And you should be right beside me.  
  
I've never been superstitious, or believed in spirits. The Ayases have always believed that science was the string that tied everything together – kept the world spinning.  
  
But in these moments, when the sun begins to dip below the distant horizon, and the stars, one by one, begin to light up the sky, I can't help but feel there's something more – something that I'm missing.  
  
And I know exactly what it is.  
  
You.  
  
Tojo Nozomi. The girl from my dreams.  
  
Are you from a past life? Or an alternate universe? I'll never know the answer. But I know, as I look up into the night sky, that I will always love you. I don't know if you think about me, and that thought pains me. Do you even know who I am? Do you hurt as much as I do?  
  
I don't know.  
  
But I love you.  
  
But I'll never find you.

 

**To be continued...**

**Author's Note:**

> Heyo!
> 
> Sorry for the long delay, but the newest Seven Deuce chapter is currently in for betaing, and the next chapter is well underway! 
> 
> This is an interesting one. I've had this idea for ages, and I've finally written the first chapter! If you guys enjoy this enough, I'll gladly continue to write it! I have a pretty decent plan, I think!
> 
> This is based off of Starset's 'Stardust'. Just if anyone was wondering....
> 
> Anyway! Love you all!
> 
> ~RR <3


End file.
